Valentine Points to Ponder

Meeting a special person isn’t always easy, so during this season of love I’ve compiled a handy guide for those who have this ardent wish, complete with examples. You’re welcome.

Many rendezvous’ begin over a steaming beverage in the non-threatening atmosphere of a coffeehouse. But, what if you meet someone like I did, who spoke for two solid hours on one subject. Tires! 

Let’s be clear, that’s not a date, it’s a monologue. I guess it was easy, since all I had to do was nod, but as general rule monologues are desperately dull, particularly ones concerning steel-belted rubber. 

He debated the minimum tread depth required for winter driving; waxed eloquent over air pressure, and knowledgeably discussed road conditions, climate interference and the misuse of a manufactures warranty. Finally, at the conclusion of our visit, with misty eyes, he declared his undying love for the Goodyear family (who knew tires were such a close knit group) and produced pictures of a new set he’d acquired using their finance program. Sigh. 

Tip #1 Leave the soliloquys with Shakespeare where they belong. Go out on a limb and ask your date a few questions. It’s nice to share information on a hobby, but two hours’ worth is preposterous. 

I’d been seeing someone a couple of weeks when Valentine’s Day rolled around and he popped over with a gorgeous gift wrapped in thin pink foil.

Proudly he told me he’d asked the help of a saleslady when making this important purchase. I was impressed, envisioning what must lurk within. Was it bath salts and fragrant soaps? Perhaps a lovely perfume, or a book and slippers?  Holding my breath I slowly pulled the paper away; savouring the moment as the outside of the box was revealed and I saw the manufacturer. 

Wait a minute. Did Proctor Silex ever make women’s beauty products? Nope. I lifted the gift with astonishment. It was a bathroom scale with durable metal platform and solid foot grips—how—touching.

This gives rise to several interesting questions. Whatever happened to flowers and chocolates? Was he delivering a not-so-subtle and unappreciated hint? What kind of nut was this aforementioned saleswoman? And, who in their right mind would want to clamber on a weigh scale for Valentine’s Day, or be reminded of excess poundage they’d laid on over Christmas?

Tip #2 Household appliances rarely make appropriate gifts—romantic or otherwise. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but almost any sort of present is better than a bathroom scale.

However, this was a forgivable faux pas and when he invited me to his home next day for brunch, I accepted. Smiling, he pulled a box of frozen waffles from the refrigerator, in itself not unusual, but when he stood at the counter briskly slashing at them with a serrated knife, and a pale, greenish haze rose into the air, I craned my head to look. With infinite care he bent over each toaster treat, shaving a thick growth of MOULD from their sides! HORRORS!

Tip #3 Raw, unadulterated penicillin is not breakfast food! No one expects culinary excellence, but serving your date a decomposing waffle will almost certainly breed contempt, not love. (Also, of course, it lent a whole new meaning to the slogan, “Leggo my eggo.”)

There you have it folks, a few pointers to ponder. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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