Have You Ever…?

Last week I was put in the unlikely position of defending a sumo wrestler. Surprised? Me too. Let’s imagine this scene of mayhem. Lunging in front of the massive warrior as protector, I, a great, hulking woman with bulging muscles and an ugly sneer, assume a wide, aggressive stance. With arms spread intimidatingly, brow furrowed with determination, and a growl of, “Go ahead, make my day” issuing from my lips, I face down the enemy.

The truth is far less dramatic.

The wrestler was actually five years old and cringed beside the Kindergarten lunch table wearing an inflatable sumo costume. His life wasn’t jeopardized. He was just concerned his airy suit might be punctured by classmates who were poking his puffiness with candy-induced fervor. I shooed them away. However, you have to admit my first statement sounded impressive! Have you ever had to safeguard a sumo wrestler?

How about this situation? Have you ever seen a firefighter, a CF-18 pilot, and a fairy princess enter into a heated argument over the fate of a Holstein cow? I have, on that same day. You’re really missing out on life’s many enjoyments if you haven’t been privy to such an event.

There was this fighter pilot see, and after scrabbling around under a table for reasons best known to himself, he suddenly leaped forth clutching some nameless prize. With a whoop of triumph, he raised a small plastic cow into the air. Then, grasping it in a grubby paw, he raced to the scaled model of a large red barn, closely followed by a firefighter carrying an axe. Without preamble, the two fell into bitter dispute over the destiny of the aforementioned Holstein.

“I think a cow should be inside,” said the firefighter, straightening his unwieldy hat as it threatened to topple from his head into a container of Halloween cupcakes provided by a mysterious ghost and a kind teacher.

“No. It should be outside eating grass,” argued the pilot. Grimly he clasped the Holstein to his chest, and with the other hand held off the advances of the fireman with all the authority accorded him by the Royal Canadian Airforce.

Enter a fairy princess. (Let’s just say up front it’s hard to win an argument against a princess, let alone a fairy princess.)

*Actual fairy princess. (My granddaughter Ava)

“How ‘bout you tie him up,” she suggested sweetly. Extending her sparkly wand, the princess touched the cow lightly on its horns and flitted away. The boys gazed at her with admiration. What an idea! What a princess!

Forgetting their dispute in the heat of this glorious moment of inspiration, the fireman and the pilot wrapped a short noose about the unsuspecting cow’s neck. Then, employing every lesson they’d learned to date about co-operation and fair play, they worked as one to thread the string through a hole in the roof and hoist the unprotesting beast into the air. Soon the black and white bovine swung from the rafters of its sturdy plastic barn, a pleased smile of contentment plastered on its solid face.

Footage of the Holstein in question

Perhaps, after all is said and done, the question is not, “Have you ever seen an elephant fly” but rather “Have you ever seen a Holstein hung?”

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